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Depraved, Repressed, Feelings

"Depraved, Repressed, Feelings" (2007)

1. Disgust
2. ...Leading to...
3. Discomfort
4. ...A need for external...
5. Love
6. ...Creating...
7. Hope
8. ...Degenerating...
9. Nostalgia
10. ...Culminating in...
11. Distress

1. Disgust

A dead sun is losing its opalescence
Remnants of a cycle which will never cease
Obscurantism of clarity…
Dead leaves blown away by cold winds
Darkness slowly creeping in, from outside to within
Without any commotions, visibility loses its vigor
Reverting into thrusting primal instincts

Everything loses its sense here
My own morality gnawed by this pulsating
Evergrowing envy to hate, life
I'm at the edge of succumbing, still fear lingers within
Having lived for too long in a world, where weakness is prized possession
Schematic lie crumbles on itself
Humans were born in blood and suffering
Most will die in shame and confusion
Life is to be taken in order to purify its meaning

Suddenly a subtle movement aroused my aural sense
I take heed and uncovered some branches only to find
Beauty and innocence trapped within flesh
The irony of the situation brought a smile, in a most sincere way
An unsuspecting female had just tripped and broken her leg
She was clearly in pain
I gently approached and carefully touched her hand
Slowly she stared at me: "- , love me ¨`
She moaned and cried
Love me, and I'll be free

A trigger at that precise moment, switched on
I knew I would love her, sincerely

I grabbed the club she had fell on
And bashed her head open, striking relentlessly
Focusing on her frontal cranial protuberance
When her face had lost any resemblance with any human feature
I proceeded in raping her bloody, mangled carcass, violently
I preferred the anus, for it could not render any mutual pleasure
I fucked her till I came, in the openly exposed cavity of her throat
It felt good; in fact, it felt quite better than loving

Every attempt to attain purity by dissociating physical and spiritual means, will become tedious.
You should accept the fact that you're useless and thus, lose the illusion of physical/spiritual superiority
You might then grasp the true essence of a deeper harmony which annihilates
the boundaries of animal instincts.

Ether, bearer of light…

If not, should kill yourself or kill someone you love
Innocence cannot be preserved forever
Kill yourself or someone you love
If only you could understand how I fucking hate you
Heal yourself, kill yourself

2. ...Leading to...

3. Discomfort

I don't like to be watched nor spoken of
Sometimes I only wish to be a shadow
To pass undisturbed through days of existence
Putting you all through the same filter of thoughts
Weighting the reasons why you seem so happy
Calculating how I could break your world
Fucking tired of smelling your flesh
Fucking tired of hearing your futile stories
If you could all just fucking die
Or at least stop existing
All the shapes around me, been there for too long
Don't talk to me, don't speak of me, just forget that you saw me

I only wish to be happy for once
I feel so fucking bad inside
There's always a dead word rotting in my mouth
Something that makes me wants to puke or aggress
I'm living in a stolen life
Interacting like a mechanical caricature of myself
Not able to love myself in any ways
Not able to lift this fucking layer of uneasiness
I'm sick, and it doesn't seem to bother me anymore
So used to boringness and suicided hopes
That sometimes I take pleasure in degrading myself
Fucked up being in a fucked up world
I'm crying tears that has been borrowed
Inventing pieces of life to keep some sanity
Feeding on negativity
What the fuck am I?

There's always a sign, telling me to shipwreck
I'm haunted on a daily basis by succession of notes and visions
Depraving my present life at the price of artistic abstraction
Focusing on the elevation of the I towards nothing
Letting morality pour away
Reconstructing light with shards of stained darkness
Attracted by everything deviant and out of reach
I'm pouring through life as if nothing is worthy of my attention

What good will it make, those words, this music
I'm a continuation of the cycle
Being the sum of genetic, potential and environment
I'm not special, surely not important
Just a fucking human not able to free himself
Darkness will only drown the weak
Don't be afraid to plunge head first
If you have second thoughts, keep in mind that your life sucks
And don't forget, if you're still alive, you're a fag

4. ...A need for external...

5. Love

Brise tes chaînes, libère toi
Éteint cette luminescence
Prend ta vie
Irradie une seule et dernière fois
Oublie la douleur de vivre
Éteint cette misère
Reviens au néant, vers la seule liberté
Ouvre tes veines comme tu n'as jamais ouvert ton coeur
Embrasse la lumière pour une dernière fois

6. ...Creating...

7. Hope

Can you feel the weight of emptiness
Crashing down the mortal coils of always
Tearing down the frail link between what you strive for
And what you must endure in your everyday life
Breaking the whole of your conceptions
Leaving you shattered and divided
Everything stands still and hope subsides

Another anchor point has been disabled today…
Everything which used to distract my mind off the void of existence
Was tore down and trampled, as I watched this fragile structure brought to dust
Which was unconsciously being built behind my back
By the need we all have, to reduce the time between brutal events
Which force yourself to stop your actions
And look at your life, as being dispirited and watching
Your evolution at a third person view, without any consolation, pride of achievement,
or highlights of nostalgic events.
Just witnessing your empty self, pouring another piece of joy
Feeling the balance of the self, reverting one step back in negativity
Wondering where the fuck you still harvest the strength
To get up every countless mornings
To feed off illusions of fulfillment, growing closer to Ether…

I don't think you really understand how I feel
I'm daily wondering how it would feel to throw myself in front of a car
Or disfiguring a random person
I'm so fucking tired of this life.
If you know me and care about me
Please heal me once and for all, with a shotgun blast in the head
I'm too weak to do it myself; it unfortunately seems there's no alternate route

But something within just stopped to bleed
A cute girl smiled and waved at me
How futile can humanity be sometimes, will never cease to amaze me
The ability we have to alternate from a state of complete existential turmoil
And revert back to a state, where animal instincts
Annihilates the need of the mind to free itself
From recurrent negative patterns that will always resurface
The minute every distraction fades away

That is my vision of hope:

An exhausting primal instinct forcing our subconscious
To believe that our life is worth living

8. ...Degenerating...

9. Nostalgia

It often strikes me when searching a way out
Of this spiritual warfare opposing logics and feelings
A light scent of defunct grandeur
Surrounding memories long gone, accidentally unearthed by sheer innocence
Washed away by a absence of linking time frame
It always bring a tear and a smile
To remember those filtered events, freed of bipolar limitations

An inner sanctum where everything stands still
Lingering endlessly in their preserved environment
Where images, scents, toughs and resentments
Are forever bound, defying the decaying process of time

I mostly live in the past
Obsessed by those immemorial manifestations
Feeding off phantasms of extrapolated splendor, probably biased
Most of the time, neglecting actual events to hasten the process
In which boringness of present unfoldments
Is devoured and restructured as subconscious draws the memory deeper
In it's realm, somewhere between fantasy and active memory

As time slowly fade, the concept of existential projection
Loses its significance at the profit of a superlative past
Where everything can be reshaped and perfected
Another example of distorted reality by primal, chaos layer
To which omnipresent source the brain connects to define what
Is important or superficial information

I think we are all redefining our own existence
Numbing our own perceptions, respecting the predefined limits of our psyche
Memory is then refined by our own futile need of secure, linear evolution

Irritating moments gets deleted; anticipation gets mixed up with actual events
Rendering those souvenirs, an illusive maelstrom incubating in our diseased conscience

That is what we call reality
That makes me wonder what percentage of our own personality is false
That is, if we accept an absolute truth, inherent to life and mankind
And I don't, I think of humanity as a hopeless continuation
Of births and deaths holding nothing more than futile means of distraction
To counterbalance the weight of cold empty darkness
That rule supreme outside our germ size piece of matter, revolving around an insignificant star, gravitating within a microscopic star system on the outer edges of one of the smallest galaxies.

10. ...Culminating in...

11. Distress


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